Why You Don’t Have Mentors (And How to Get One)

Every now and then, I have a conversation with someone who laments they have no mentors. 

I sympathize. 

There aren’t many with a ton of mentors.

In a previous post, I define a “mentor” as “someone a little further along than where we are, who can point us to get a little closer to where God wants us to be.” 

They sound so helpful. So why do so many of us not have any? 

There may be a few reasons why:

Reason 1: You’re Asking For Too Much

For some, we expect way too much of mentors.

We want mentors who understand our circumstances and can give us insight into how we can best navigate them, while fully sympathizing with us at an emotional and mental level while also challenging us ever so gently with specific, strategic steps through weekly or bi-weekly meetings. In other words, we want mentors to be the Holy Spirit for us. 

This is too great of a burden for anyone to bear.

Reason 2: You’re Asking For Too Little

For others, we set the bar too low.

Here’s an example: What some truly want in a mentor is someone we respect and admire to hang out with us and give us quality time. We don’t have a specific purpose or goal in mind. We just want to be around them. In other words, we want mentors to be good hangs.

But while this is honoring for the mentee, this can feel like a waste of time for the mentor. Not because he or she thinks they’re “too important” but because it’s not intentional. Most mentors won’t be motivated to enter into this kind of relational dynamic.

Reason 3: You’re Not Even Asking

The final reason is some of us don’t even really try.

The common thinking goes like this: A. “I want a mentor.” B. “But I haven’t really found someone.” But I wonder if they have a hard time finding someone because they’re not truly looking in the first place. I wonder if a subconscious attitude of self-sufficiency cancels out a ton of great people around them. Sometimes, we don’t have mentors because of a haughty spirit. What we’re actually looking for is ourselves.

I personally believe this is the real reason most people don’t have mentors. They haven’t really made the effort to reach out to anyone no matter how much they lament the lack of mentors in their lives.

Conclusion

So (assuming you really want to grow) how do we get started?

Here are a few specific ways you can begin investing in a relationship with a mentor: 

1. Stop using the word “mentor.” The word will actually throw off the relationship for the outcome you’re desiring.

2. Know what you want. Create a list of areas you want expertise and feedback on.

3. Reach out to different individuals for different things. Don’t look for the one person who has it all. Look for many people who can speak insightfully about one thing. 

4. Reach out for coffee and share the agenda. Ask them, “Hey, could I have 45 minutes of your time? I want to talk to you about [topic x]. I have 12 questions.” This is helpful because the individual will know you are honoring their time. 

5. Pay for coffee (or lunch) and thank them for their time (if they agree).

Now, if you do this once or twice with an individual, guess what’s happened?

That’s right, you’ve entered into a mentor-mentee relationship without ever having used the word “mentor.” 

My mentors would be surprised if they found out they were my mentors. I never use that word around them. But they’ll know they're my mentors because I’ll have questions for them.

Prayerfully ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you areas where you need someone a little further along than where you are, who can point you to get a little closer to where God wants you to be.”

The same Spirit who reveals your areas of growth will also be faithful and good to help you ask the right questions to the right individual at the right time.